Tuesday, June 12, 2012

I'm not a cool mom

Okay.  I like to think that I actually AM a relatively cool mom, as moms go.  I can't remember a time when I have been so completely embarrassing to my children that news of my weirdness went viral.  But I have to tell you that I am now officially inclined to bust out a tear or two or three.

I don't know where or how it started, but one day I just realized that I am a big boohooey mess.  In fact, I no longer listen to country songs that describe any kind of loss, regardless of its dog/truck/red solo cup story.  Nor do I watch "there are starving children around the world and if you were a decent human being you would help"  infomercials.  I hear about a tearful homecoming of one of our country's proud and brave military and it is ALLLLL over--break out the barrel of Kleenex. 

So what in the world  happened that made me such a weepy woman?  All I can attribute it to is a "tenderized heart." 

Not too long ago I was witness to a friend's walk of faith, and seeing God's goodness just made love so real to me-- love that puts on shoes and walks around caring about people. 

Because I had just been witness to seeing God work in such a huge way, I prayed that a hurt in my life would be productive and benefit another believer some day down the road.  But because I tend to pray big, I prayed, "God, if I am going to hurt, I want to hurt in such a huge way that you can use it in a huge way."  (Note:  I do not advise praying in this manner unless you realllllllly super mean it.)  Some days my heart has been so heavy that I just don't know what to do.  All I can do is pray, because so many of my situations are not under my control and far out of my grasp.  I can say without reservation that my heart has hurt more in the last 4 months it ever has. 

But there's an up side to all of this --

God has moved. Because I have moved closer to Him, sought Him out in fervent prayer, and have had to cry through a lot of stuff that I don't really want to deal with, I have seen Him so evidently move that I can only step back and know in my heart and mind that God has worked.  My dad is miraculously mostly healed; I have peace over a school decision that I was certain was the wrong one; I am comforted by a sweet couple that has gone not just out of their way, but CRAZY out of their lives to minister to me. 

So now as I consider my prayer to hurt so much that I could minister to those that hurt, God used it to open up my life to be ministered to.  This makes me think that these fake faces and fake realities that people, in general, put up and hide behind are not of God, but of Satan.  When Adam and Eve had eaten of the apple, they hid in the garden so that God couldn't find them.  But God knew exactly where they were in his omnipotent power and knowledge.  When we put up what we think is a wall between us and God, because of hurt, or unmet expectations, or anger and bitterness, it's like that old adage about walls -- you are protecting what's on the inside, but you are also keeping something on the outside!  In this case, keeping God on the outside is never good and wrecks our relationship with Him.  But He knows exactly where you are and exactly what your hurt is. Go big and let it out!

Can I pray for you?
Jesus, you are truly exactly what we need.  Please open our eyes to how much you love us and how much you really do care.  As you break down our walls, help us to be open to hurting and open to your love.  Please provide friends to care for us and to walk with us.  We seek  your holiness as the answer, and please draw us to you.
In your blessed and holy, righteous name, Amen.