Oh my. This has been another eventful week. Yes, highly inappropriate at times, but as usual I have sanitized it to be mostly family-friendly. But if you are an adult, you can definitely read between the lines.
Day 15: This morning was actually pretty fruitful. I messaged back and forth with two men, one of which doesn't even get a name because he was talking about his sex life within 30 minutes of meeting. NO. But the other is a sales guy throughout the year and at Christmas, does Santa gigs at places like Disney World, malls, etc. He seems normal and likable and I am interested to see where this goes. Of course, it's always like waiting for the other shoe to drop until you have known each other for awhile. I mean, just in the last two weeks alone, how many times have normal men flaked out? So it's ask questions and get answers. Over. And over. And over again.
Day 16: I am now figuring out that for every profile I look at (in search of the worst profile lines ever), that person sees that I have looked at his profile. So I am getting a lot more messages today, but not necessarily from people I would like to get them from! There are a number of screen names that are not family-friendly; but if you are wondering, just put together a word for a piece of anatomy and an adjective. And maybe a number. No. All the nos. In fact, sometimes I read profile names and I am befuddled and amused at the same time that this person thinks this is a great way to represent himself to a person he does not yet know. I blame it on the 80's. Oh my, what a decade. Anyway.... I meet today a cute guy who includes in his profile that he has 27 chickens. And one of his pics reveals that he can do that one-raised-eyebrow thing. This is enough for me to message him. He is interesting, funny, a little cheesy, and hasn't brought up any inappropriate topics. Let's call him the Chicken Farmer.
Day 17: Btw, Santa has not contacted me again. Kind of odd, but not unpredictable. I'm learning that there are not actually many people that go on dates from websites. I am starting to think that they are statistical anomalies, these dates. But this social experiment is to show how difficult it is and how crazy people are. BY THE WAY -- Mr. New York finally emailed me, so I of course ran his email header through a program that tells me where his IP is. He says he is on an oil rig in Alaska? How about INSTEAD he is is Dublin, Ireland? Block! Does this make two or three scams I have deflated this month? I was pretty sure Mr. New York was a scammer, but I had to play it until I could get some hard information. He. Is. A. Sorry. Dog. Just in case you want to know how to find this website that will interpret the lines of HTML to tell you where an email is coming from ... http://www.ip2location.com/free/email-tracer . I talk to the Chicken Farmer again today. So far, so good.
Day 18: I nail yet another person I met on this website, using the link above. He's in Daytona Beach? More like Washington State. So, because I'm a little evil, I email him back and tell him I will be in Daytona next week and would love to meet him for coffee. Can't wait to hear the excuse he'll use. I'll make him squirm a little and try to nail down a time for when I can come have coffee with him before I block him. It's probably a little strange that I want to do this, but I take a guilty pleasure in seeing how scammers try to cover who they are. Today also brings me in to contact with Florida's version of Snoop Dogg, who has this kind of snarly grin pic as his default pic. He messages me, so I respond that his pic is a little scary. This turns into a mini-counseling session where I advise him to be himself and the really good women will find that attractive, and the shallow, high maintenance women that he has been attracting to his snarly-grin pic will go away. He seems to take it to heart. I also get a message today from a man who writes in Spanish mostly, despite my "No habla espanol." I get a Spanish-speaking friend at work to help me translate, and when I show her his pic, she knows him!!!! As lovely he as seems, he is 5' 3," which would never work with all of my awesome five feet and nine inches.
Day 19: I meet the Football Fan, who looks like your typical Southern lawyer or banker who likes him some SEC football. We message, and he is cordial and funny. I'm hoping he is an actual person. More from the Chicken Farmer. He's still funny and appropriate. I'm hoping he is also an actual person. Keep in mind that these two supposedly live in my area, so it could possibly happen. But I'm putting less and less stock in actually meeting people, as it seems like a hard thing to do. I consulted with my friend Don Juan this week, and he has confirmed that his experience has been the same -- lots of talking, not much meeting. Are people lazy? Don't care? I think if I put my information on a dating website, I would actually want to meet people. But maybe it's the whole fear-of-rejection thing. I have to keep in mind that not everyone is super extroverted like moi.
Day 20: Today is the day of the Gainesville Police Officer and the Tow Truck Driver. They deserve just about that much mention, nothing more. I would probably fall over dead if I heard from either one again. There was just not that much interest. On the up side, I hear from Chicken Farmer. Just a few brief messages, so this may be reaching its dating website half-life. Honestly, he seems great, but I really would like to see a little more initiative. I mean, if you like talking to me, and you've already seen my pics, so let's make a date. Seriously, my thought is that if you are just biding your time and hanging out, you are not the one for me. I have been seriously pursuing this whole dating-website-thing and yes, it's a fun blog to write, but I would be thrilled to meet someone amazing. My humble opinion is that there are 4 types of men in Jacksonville: married, gay, and completely self absorbed. The fourth? He's that amazing, awesome guy that I would love to meet and at least be friends with. I figure that this super-category makes up about 3% of men in Jacksonville, so they are few and far between. I actually know an amazing man like this, but every time I talk to him I end up doing something stupid or not being as cool as I would like. And plus, I think he knows he is amazing and amazing looking, so I don't want to act like I am hanging around because I want to date him. Even though I would. Yeesh. Is actual life more complicated than online dating? Maybe so.
Day 21: I thought today was the day. I get a message from an attractive man who is employed and professes to be a believer and is witty and conversational. I am home sick today and can function with my head in exactly one position, so I am voice-to-texting a lot today. I succumb to the sinus meds I take, and later on he messages me again. To make a long story short and a lot more family friendly, his intent for a relationship is much more involved than I care to be outside of marriage. Random thoughts: 1) He says this on day 1 of knowing me? Perv, and so inappropriate. 2) This is your dealbreaker? Wow. No. Not if you were the last man on earth. 3) This is your dealbreaker after not dating for a self-professed nine years? I just don't even have words for this, except that forever and here on out you shall be known as Big Stupid.
As promised, I have researched (i.e., read about 200 profiles) men's dating website profiles and this is the best of the worst. Each one of these is from an actual profile on the site I am on.
"No cats -- they're evil and I'm allergic."
"Only one duck face per person, ladies -- everyone knows you're just trying to make your face look skinny." (editorial note: I thought people did these to make their lips look bigger. Not aware of the skinny thing. )
"No couch potatoes; I like a little cottage cheese on my salad but not on my lap."
"Please, no gold teeth, excessive jewelry, ridiculous hairdos, or tattoos on your face."
"If you think that 401K is a singing group, you're not for me."
Just odd or funny:
Advertisement for a fireworks business in the middle of a profile
"A relationship is more than just chemistry and affection .. it's about caring, affection, and putting the seat down."
"ruler of known universe seeks partner"
(from same profile as above) "must enjoy galactic domination, spending time with a person with no filter, and long walks on the beach."
"Let's talk; I am very anti-stalker."
"Looking for my emotionally available other half."
"I like turtles." (NOTHING ELSE WAS WRITTEN. THIS WAS IT.)
"I love to pamper my woman by painting her toe nails and her finger nails, running her bath water after a long day's work with a full body massage." (Editorial note: I promise that there must be a school for how to be so inappropriate on a dating website profile.)
"okay, if I run into one more online hooker on this site I will jump off a roof this is not a site to sell your body."
"I don't mind if you have a stuffy corporate job as long as it doesn't run your life." (Editorial note: I read this as: "You can support me as long as you don't complain about it.")
"Let's say that you're about to have a bowl of cereal but all the milk you have spills on the floor. Do you cry over spilled milk or do you pour cereal on the floor and enjoy?"
"If we meet and you don't look like your picture, you're paying for the drinks until you do."
"You don't need 50 Shades of Grey when you can have one Shade of Black every night."
Thanks again so much for reading. Thanks to all my friends in Israel, all 1127 of you! Shout out to readers in China, Russia, Finland, Turkey, Belgium, and Great Britain. I have no idea how you even know about the Flying Pants, but thanks for reading.
Next week will probably be the most explosive week ever, as I am doing something radically different to further prove how hard it is to find love on the internet. Stay tuned for our final and biggest week next week!