I got nothing

you know when you have a change jar or that you have a couple of dollars worth of change in your car?  You're not really broke until you have to dig into that. Then, after exhausting your car, the change jar, look through old purses, winter jacket pockets, or any where else you may stash money, and you can't find anything, then you got nothing.

I have gone through my jackets of promise, my change jar of susie sunshine, my car change stash of putting on a happy face.  I got nothing.

My mom died on Christmas Eve.  At the time I was glad that she would no longer cough constantly trying to breathe; that we wouldn't have to time our departures based on how many bars left she had on her portable oxygen-maker.  I'm glad I don't have to call her before I come home from work and ask how my favorite mother is (I only have one, by the way) for her to say bad/tired/okay or a reasonable facsimile of those words.

I'm glad that she was able to receive excellent medical care in the last 10 days of her life.  Kudos to Mayo Clinic.  You guys are the bomb.

And we had a beautiful service for my mom and lots of her friends came and I was still so incredibly numb that I was able to speak at the service and people complimented me on what I had to say.  And then my brother and his family had to go home and my son went back to school and I just wanted my girls to not have to be around death/funeral/etc.  I know they are so strong but everyone needs a break. (Side Note:  they are so great about coming over and talking and doing fun things with me.  They're awesome. And Young Son just calls me out of the blue.  He's great.)

So then I started with the outbreaks of vertigo. My neck gets hot, I throw up for a few hours, have two days of vertigo and if I hold my head very-still-and-do-not-move I am okay.  Since then I have figured out that if I TALK ABOUT MY FEELINGS I don't have to deal with that.

But I have to tell you that I'm a stuffer.  I'd much rather stuff my feelings down and not deal with them than talk about my feelings because then I end up crying and I'd much rather not have people see me cry.  But it's either get physically sick or talk about my feelings.  Some days it's a real tossup.

But now, when things have mostly settled down outside my world but in my life, I find that I have nothing.  But actually, that's a lie.

I have how I miss my mom.  I have how no one will ever meet her again and think she's great and see that I am a little like her.  I have the incredible longing to do the things she used to do because I don't ever want to forget the things we did:  I want to make party chicken;  I want to make banana bread and use vinegar to make buttermilk since I forgot to get any at the store;  I want to make phone calls to people and ask them how they are and how I can pray for them. 

I know that I have written a lot of funny things here on the Flying Pants, but right now, gentle readers, I got nothing.  Except how I am trying to grieve the mother I love so much.  So I apologize for the Debbie-Downer-esque nature of the posts to come.  Comment or post to me on facebook if you want.  Or don't.  And one day I'll write funny things again.



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