#6, I think
Have you ever felt so emotional?
I am not a fan of being, like, crying emotional. My dear, sweet, wonderful father who adored his wife and girls couldn't stand to see them cry, so because I am a pleaser I tried to zip it up right away. And then a man later in my life told me to never cry in front of him because I only do it to manipulate his feelings (which was completely untrue, by the way; I can't cry on command).
So long story just a fraction longer, I am so uncomfortable crying in front of people. Like there aren't a lot of words that can adequately express my level of discomfort. But, to my dismay, I have been Super Crying Chick for the first three days of this week. My super powers are using Kleenex. And I can only chalk it up to grief.
I want to just be in an ocean of people and not stick out. I want to blend in, possibly for the first time in my life as a super-extrovert. The more anonymous I can be, the better. I believe that I can avoid the inevitable question, "So how are you doing?"
I realize that people are well-meaning and no one asks this question to someone who is grieving to torture them and cause more anguish. But when you are sitting on a well of tears anyway and 20 people ask you the same well-meaning question, there's going to be crying.
And then of course there is the proviso that there are grieving people that want to be asked how they are. I wish they could wear a t-shirt that says in giant letters, "ASK ME ABOUT MY GRIEF" so that those of us who do not want to focus on this incredibly painful process can be avoided. I guarantee you, my gentle reader, that 400% of the theoretical tshirt wearers are people that like to talk about emotions anyway.
It's us stuffers that don't want to talk. You, my intrepid reader, get to read all about my grief. But it's really a one-sided conversation and I don't have to field any questions from you. So yay me -- I express emotions and I avoid questions that make me cry.
I wish someone would just write me a text or a note or a post-it and say something nice. But nothing I have to respond to, unless I can do so without busting out in tears. And I have several friends that do this. You guys are the bomb. I think you know who you are.
Okay, so today is better and I'm not the weird girl that cries at work. So that's good.
Hey, thanks for reading. I appreciate you.